Advertising and the Great Indian First Night: Published articles/DNA 3

Article in DNA, Aug 16, 06


Advertising and The Great Indian First Night

The Hanes Underwear commercial, set in the Great Indian First Night, must surely be helping millions of young Indian couples prepare with bated anticipation for their own equivalent.

Now all the guys will make sure that they buy underwear without tags on the inner side, so that they don’t have to pull out a pair of scissors and scare the poor innocent young thing.

And all the brides will make sure they go to Twinkle Beauty Parlour, just so that he doesn’t bolt out of the room in horror.

Poor Zeenat Aman, if only she had had No Marks on her wedding night, Satyam Sivam Sundaram would have been a different story. Or at least, she should have been shown the Femina Woman on Top commercial before she went in. That’s the problem. There weren’t enough confident and empowering women’s brands those days. But to be fair, Shashi Kapoor was an affable and handsome chap, and he deserved better. No one gifted him a Maxima watch – he had to realize “life mein koi guarantee nahin” on his wedding night.

But really, the Indian Advertising Industry has not explored the wedding night to its full potential.

They have been too shy, and stopped short at the wedding dance or the wedding fire or the wedding reception. Surely, all the diamonds and the foot creams and the paan masalas and the cameras and the condoms and the Perks could have dared to get into the bedroom.

Definitely, we would so much rather have seen Bipasha and John in their bedroom arguing over hai or nahin hai, even if it was Shaadi se Pehle. And the Fallen Hair could have been on the pillow. Because, if she finds his suitings more heavenly than him, then he should strike back – with pillows so soft that he would rather cuddle them. And why not sheets? Mera walla white! (Co sponsored by Ariel mehendi). Mattresses. So comfortable that they both fall asleep. Agarbathis. Fruits. Door bolts. Windows. Microsoft Windows! Fans. Deodorants. Air conditioners. Hawaii chappals. Mosquito coils. Moov-es. Light switches – dimag ki batti jala de! Tiles! Love at first sight. Cars! Go fida! And what about Made For Each Other? Just think of the number of years they wasted reading polish joke books on the sofa, when they could have been reading the kama sutra, entwined on the elaborately decorated wedding bed.

If Hanes can disturb him, surely Itchguard need not be far behind. And what about the baniyaaan? That’s really “andar ka mamla”. That really should have been a First Night ad.

Of course, all preparing couples know that there better be Vim Bar to wash the wedding dinner vessels, so that they are not unnecessarily disturbed. Or if not, at least they should be looking around for sound-proof paints, because walls have ears, and “har raat kuch kehti hai”.

As she approaches her beloved with the proverbial glass of milk – or given today’s reversal of fortunes, should he be approaching her with it? In any case, they could both together break into “doodh doodh doodh”.

He could of course ask her “kya aap close up karthe hain?”

And, again following the reversal of fortunes, he could be slapped with a “dubara math poochna”.

And what about Nike? Nike should use The Great Indian First Night. After all, they are forever saying, “Just do it”.

Forget Prestige Pressure Cookers. Max Lubricants should be more imaginative. ‘Jo biwi se kare pyaar woh kaise kare inkaar?”

But whatever it is, end of the day, all said and done, India is still India and our values are strong. So the Bharatiya Nari on her wedding night, will promise “wherever you go, my network follows”.

But then again, following the reversal of fortunes, Man may be left with his Best Friend only!