Games Mothers Play
Enabling and empowering, coach and companion, event manager and project manager, motherhood has moved beyond protection, nurturance, compassion and selflessness. The child is now a project and a mission, and industriousness, determination, passion and planning are the dominant traits. The seat of motherhood is moving from the heart to the solar plexus, and children today are not just a responsibility but also an opportunity.
Whether she is conscious of it or not, whether she admits it or not, one of the fundamental shifts in motherhood in India in recent times is the fact that children have become a key way by which mothers judge themselves. While earlier it may have been her relationship with her in-laws, her cooking and housekeeping abilities, or the support she lent her husband by looking after the home and freeing him to focus on his work, the climax of her own life is now linked to the peaking of the child’s glory. While earlier her message to her child may have been “be good, be safe”, today it is “shine and make me shine”. This could be academic or in any area of talent that she and her child have together chosen to build. The children too are taking the roti- kapada-makaan for granted and are looking to the mother to give them the head start they need in life and ensure that they remain focused. “Though I will be happy if my son praises my cooking, I will have greater happiness if he gets good marks in his exams… my greater responsibility is to take care of my son’s studies than cooking” says the mother. “If my future turns out to be bright, then my mother will get great happiness...she will get respect in society she will be able to walk around with her head held high,” echoes the child.
And now that she is putting her heart and soul into shaping their destinies, she is demanding credit for the success and acknowledgement for her efforts. “Right from the time my child was born, I have only brought him up. I have devoted my entire life for my child’s growth. I have melted my life into that of my child. I have moulded my child according to what I wanted, hence the child’s future has become this way. 90% of the child’s future achievement is mine,” says the mother. “The full credit of my sister going to UK for her higher studies goes to Mom… she has been running up and down organizing all papers, doing everything herself. If a child gets 100% marks, then 40-70% will be the result of the mother’s efforts” echoes the child.
Children are conscious of the contribution that their mothers make in their current lives by donning the roles of organizer, guide, enforcer, and friend. While there may be the usual squabbles over food, outings and social activities, and the usual temptations of friends, play and television, children do indeed look to their mothers to give them courage, inspiration, help them set and achieve their goals and fill them with a will to win. Mother is both cushion and launch pad, giving new meaning to the famous line “mere paas maa hai”! “For my son to be an IAS officer, both myself and my son will have to put in the efforts. It will happen only if I am after him with all my support. Other wise he will go here and there to enjoy. I will have to ensure that he remains focused through out and is not distracted from this aim,” says the mother. “Because of her mother’s love, she says no… she does not want us to get spoilt, she does not always allow us to do what we want” echoes the child. Though, “itna tenson nahin lene ka” is also something they’d like to say to the mothers, children in fact seem to be defining success in terms of living up to the mother’s expectations.
Changing mother-child relationship: from passive supporter to active visionary and manager
From children as duty to children as a way of realizing her own potential.
From wanting her child to do well to wanting her child to be famous and reach a position of grand power and influence.
From living for the moment to constantly thinking of and shaping the future.
From leaving it to her husband to plan the child’s future to taking it into her own hands and playing a central role.
From just being happy if her child does well to wanting public acknowledgment for her role in it.
From unsureness of what awaits her in her old age to a clear staking of claims to the fruits of success.
Games mothers play: In the effort to best utilize this opportunity she seems to have three key strategies.
One, co-opting the child, creating a shared dream through smart smelling of own dreams for the child or accepting the child’s own desires or reaching a consensus. “I am saying all this for you only”. Of course. But underneath that is “You better do well and make me feel my efforts were worth it.” “What has not been possible for us, children have to achieve, then our names will be well-known…everyone will say look at this person, what her child has done. Children should bring us respect and honor. Though we know that we should not be having hopes in our children, in reality we cannot help having these hopes” says the mother. “After all her effort, if I don’t do well, my mother will say I’m a waste,” echoes the child.
Two, inculcate a deep sense of obligation in the child in order to be able to legitimize future demand for sustenance. “On becoming bigger, children definitely realize how much hard work the mother has put in, how much care mothers have taken in their matters. They will have the realization that they should also in return care for their mothers as much,” says the mother. “She has struggled hard for us and she wants the returns,” echoes the child.
Three, making the child believe that she – and only she - can help him achieve this. If only he listens to her, everything will be all right! In this, whether she will admit it or not, she is distancing the father from this co-creation of destiny. “Like during the exam days, I teach my daughter. I stay up late in the night, may be around 12, to teach her so that we can cover as much as we can. At that time, my husband will be sleeping. Then I get up early in the morning so that my daughter can revise her portions. My husband will still be sleeping at that time. It is the mother who worries that the child is exerting very much for the exam and hence the child must be having healthy food. Husband does not think about these things,” says the mother. “Study is mainly mother’s responsibility. Dad is already having many tensions on the work front” echoes the child. “Fathers say how much ever the child has studied, that is enough. They ask us not to put too much pressure on our children. If fathers have switched on the TV, they will not even switch it off because it is a distraction. They will ask why we are after the children the whole day,” says the mother. “I can enjoy more with my father, not with my mother. My mother thinks more of what is really good for us and is less inclined to agree to various things,” echoes the child. Children seem to feel that mothers do not feel the pressure to win their love by indulging them blindly. Mothers have greater knowledge of their reality and are in a better position to take decisions, and are able to retain their sense of balance better when it comes to judging the merits of their various demands. Mothers exhibit tempered aggression that is a constructive tool in chiseling their future lives. It is a resilient bond with the mother, which can absorb bursts of short-term bitterness. Highly strict or eagerly anxious to indulge, the relationship with fathers is not so multi-textured. Mothers, on the other hand seemingly position fathers as the ultimate authority but the subtle marking of destiny creation as her territory cannot be missed!
Like all behaviourial trends, the mother’s changing worldview is also being driven by some key factors in the environment: the impression that there is a goldmine of opportunities waiting, that merit and hard work can bring glory, that her children belong to a generation that is intellectually sharper and emotionally more mature, and that it is a big bad world out there. She is afraid. Afraid that her children will miss out on the future if she does not take it into her hands – today.
And in doing so, she has redefined mother’s love to mean “tough love” and a steeling of the heart.
This means: an intimate tracking of the child’s activities; retaining control while appearing to be democratic; having adult-like conversations; using emotional elasticity – sometimes accommodative/ sometimes strict, sometimes liberal/ sometimes conservative; cultivating the ability to express love as much by denying as by indulging; as well as balancing immediate happiness with long-term welfare. “Mother is both friend and enemy,” says the mother. “Mother is like popcorn, soft from inside and hard from outside,” echoes the child!
And finally, ensuring the child’s spiritual initiation and pleading with the larger divine force to work in favour of her child – but letting her child know that it is her prayers that is going to do the trick! “We are not always with our children. We cannot go everywhere with them. This is about having indirect presence, influence even when we are not there. Like during exam times, we hope that through our prayers, we can ensure that they never get nervous…that they are able to remember what they have studied,” says the mother. “It’s all because of my mother’s prayers,” echoes the child!
Whether she is conscious of it or not, whether she admits it or not, one of the fundamental shifts in motherhood in India in recent times is the fact that children have become a key way by which mothers judge themselves. While earlier it may have been her relationship with her in-laws, her cooking and housekeeping abilities, or the support she lent her husband by looking after the home and freeing him to focus on his work, the climax of her own life is now linked to the peaking of the child’s glory. While earlier her message to her child may have been “be good, be safe”, today it is “shine and make me shine”. This could be academic or in any area of talent that she and her child have together chosen to build. The children too are taking the roti- kapada-makaan for granted and are looking to the mother to give them the head start they need in life and ensure that they remain focused. “Though I will be happy if my son praises my cooking, I will have greater happiness if he gets good marks in his exams… my greater responsibility is to take care of my son’s studies than cooking” says the mother. “If my future turns out to be bright, then my mother will get great happiness...she will get respect in society she will be able to walk around with her head held high,” echoes the child.
And now that she is putting her heart and soul into shaping their destinies, she is demanding credit for the success and acknowledgement for her efforts. “Right from the time my child was born, I have only brought him up. I have devoted my entire life for my child’s growth. I have melted my life into that of my child. I have moulded my child according to what I wanted, hence the child’s future has become this way. 90% of the child’s future achievement is mine,” says the mother. “The full credit of my sister going to UK for her higher studies goes to Mom… she has been running up and down organizing all papers, doing everything herself. If a child gets 100% marks, then 40-70% will be the result of the mother’s efforts” echoes the child.
Children are conscious of the contribution that their mothers make in their current lives by donning the roles of organizer, guide, enforcer, and friend. While there may be the usual squabbles over food, outings and social activities, and the usual temptations of friends, play and television, children do indeed look to their mothers to give them courage, inspiration, help them set and achieve their goals and fill them with a will to win. Mother is both cushion and launch pad, giving new meaning to the famous line “mere paas maa hai”! “For my son to be an IAS officer, both myself and my son will have to put in the efforts. It will happen only if I am after him with all my support. Other wise he will go here and there to enjoy. I will have to ensure that he remains focused through out and is not distracted from this aim,” says the mother. “Because of her mother’s love, she says no… she does not want us to get spoilt, she does not always allow us to do what we want” echoes the child. Though, “itna tenson nahin lene ka” is also something they’d like to say to the mothers, children in fact seem to be defining success in terms of living up to the mother’s expectations.
Changing mother-child relationship: from passive supporter to active visionary and manager
From children as duty to children as a way of realizing her own potential.
From wanting her child to do well to wanting her child to be famous and reach a position of grand power and influence.
From living for the moment to constantly thinking of and shaping the future.
From leaving it to her husband to plan the child’s future to taking it into her own hands and playing a central role.
From just being happy if her child does well to wanting public acknowledgment for her role in it.
From unsureness of what awaits her in her old age to a clear staking of claims to the fruits of success.
Games mothers play: In the effort to best utilize this opportunity she seems to have three key strategies.
One, co-opting the child, creating a shared dream through smart smelling of own dreams for the child or accepting the child’s own desires or reaching a consensus. “I am saying all this for you only”. Of course. But underneath that is “You better do well and make me feel my efforts were worth it.” “What has not been possible for us, children have to achieve, then our names will be well-known…everyone will say look at this person, what her child has done. Children should bring us respect and honor. Though we know that we should not be having hopes in our children, in reality we cannot help having these hopes” says the mother. “After all her effort, if I don’t do well, my mother will say I’m a waste,” echoes the child.
Two, inculcate a deep sense of obligation in the child in order to be able to legitimize future demand for sustenance. “On becoming bigger, children definitely realize how much hard work the mother has put in, how much care mothers have taken in their matters. They will have the realization that they should also in return care for their mothers as much,” says the mother. “She has struggled hard for us and she wants the returns,” echoes the child.
Three, making the child believe that she – and only she - can help him achieve this. If only he listens to her, everything will be all right! In this, whether she will admit it or not, she is distancing the father from this co-creation of destiny. “Like during the exam days, I teach my daughter. I stay up late in the night, may be around 12, to teach her so that we can cover as much as we can. At that time, my husband will be sleeping. Then I get up early in the morning so that my daughter can revise her portions. My husband will still be sleeping at that time. It is the mother who worries that the child is exerting very much for the exam and hence the child must be having healthy food. Husband does not think about these things,” says the mother. “Study is mainly mother’s responsibility. Dad is already having many tensions on the work front” echoes the child. “Fathers say how much ever the child has studied, that is enough. They ask us not to put too much pressure on our children. If fathers have switched on the TV, they will not even switch it off because it is a distraction. They will ask why we are after the children the whole day,” says the mother. “I can enjoy more with my father, not with my mother. My mother thinks more of what is really good for us and is less inclined to agree to various things,” echoes the child. Children seem to feel that mothers do not feel the pressure to win their love by indulging them blindly. Mothers have greater knowledge of their reality and are in a better position to take decisions, and are able to retain their sense of balance better when it comes to judging the merits of their various demands. Mothers exhibit tempered aggression that is a constructive tool in chiseling their future lives. It is a resilient bond with the mother, which can absorb bursts of short-term bitterness. Highly strict or eagerly anxious to indulge, the relationship with fathers is not so multi-textured. Mothers, on the other hand seemingly position fathers as the ultimate authority but the subtle marking of destiny creation as her territory cannot be missed!
Like all behaviourial trends, the mother’s changing worldview is also being driven by some key factors in the environment: the impression that there is a goldmine of opportunities waiting, that merit and hard work can bring glory, that her children belong to a generation that is intellectually sharper and emotionally more mature, and that it is a big bad world out there. She is afraid. Afraid that her children will miss out on the future if she does not take it into her hands – today.
And in doing so, she has redefined mother’s love to mean “tough love” and a steeling of the heart.
This means: an intimate tracking of the child’s activities; retaining control while appearing to be democratic; having adult-like conversations; using emotional elasticity – sometimes accommodative/ sometimes strict, sometimes liberal/ sometimes conservative; cultivating the ability to express love as much by denying as by indulging; as well as balancing immediate happiness with long-term welfare. “Mother is both friend and enemy,” says the mother. “Mother is like popcorn, soft from inside and hard from outside,” echoes the child!
And finally, ensuring the child’s spiritual initiation and pleading with the larger divine force to work in favour of her child – but letting her child know that it is her prayers that is going to do the trick! “We are not always with our children. We cannot go everywhere with them. This is about having indirect presence, influence even when we are not there. Like during exam times, we hope that through our prayers, we can ensure that they never get nervous…that they are able to remember what they have studied,” says the mother. “It’s all because of my mother’s prayers,” echoes the child!
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